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Family members get sick or someone you love falls in love with someone else. ’ Humility. Perhaps it is what this is all about. I suspect I have always been an arrogant bastard, behind the smile. Life has finally caught up with me. I don’t want to lead a spiritual life; I just want this pain to go away. Find a healing from the knowledge of being both betrayer and betrayed, and from the loss of my illusions. They may not have been real, but they were comfortable and they were safe. And being comfortable and safe, ask anyone— isn’t that what life’s about?

When we get to the outskirts of Pamplona Mercedes negotiates with the hostelero of the albergue to let us into the 20 dormitory three hours before it is officially open for the day. Eli passes out on the bed, saying she’ll buy the next round, let’s wait for three-quarter time. It’s clear to me that the trip is over before it has begun. Eli is stuffed. As soon as she’s well enough, I’ll put her on a plane back to Melbourne. There is a part of me that is relieved. I didn’t really expect her to make it and I didn’t really expect to find my miracle; yet my naive soul is still disappointed.

Perhaps I should just keep walking and let the foxes and the ants sort her out. Except she still owes me a beer from last night. An hour from Pamplona she collapses against a wall, stiff as a bit of two-by-four. I lay her out on the ground, legs raised on her backpack, while she mutters incoherently about going to a funky bar in Brunswick Street for brunch and a glass of red. Uh-oh. Victor, the Swedish Spaniard, offers to carry some of her pack—the hair dryer, the easel for painting watercolours, the three million muesli bars.

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