By Paul Kilduff
How to be handled like shite in 15 diversified countries...and nonetheless particularly like it!
Stung via a ten-hour hold up and a not-so-bargain fare to Spain on his local 'low fares' airline, Dubliner Paul Kilduff plots revenge. Can Paul beat 'Ruinair' at their low-budget video game and fly to all fifteen international locations in Western Europe for under the ?300 it expense him to be stranded in an airport living room surrounded through drunks, bimbos and incompetents (and that was once simply the flight crew!)?
Suffering each low-fares airline indignity: a miniscule carry-on luggage allowance, 6.00 am departures, Six Nations-style boarding scrums, epic bus tours and terminal anxiousness, Paul is doing anything he is by no means performed ahead of: vacationing to areas he by no means knew he desired to pass, that are not likely really the place he thinks they're, with out concept what he will do whilst he will get there.
In a fashion by no means ahead of attainable Ruinair and its rivals have unfolded Europe's treasures to the average...
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Extra resources for Ruinair
Because they cost nothing. What’s wrong with putting a sign up somewhere and letting us rest in peace? When I get on a train, no one stands in the aisle each time to announce I can’t use the lavatory when the train is in a station. They put up a sign instead. And I just know it. We all do. The safety announcements are unintelligible since they are delivered in a language unique to this airline, referred to as Spanglish. ’ The girl has such a heavy Spanish accent that I doubt even a genuine Spanish passenger could understand her chesty pronouncements.
More extreme strategies are required to keep an entire row of three seats all to yourself. First take the aisle seat to block easy access for others. The Bag technique is where I take a sick bag and hold it over my mouth and as people come past I heave into the bag and make eye contact with my tired teary eyes looking for sympathy. The Zombie technique is where I sit tall in the seat, eyes wide and staring straight ahead and from that position I bounce my head back and forth until I am dizzy. The Busy technique is where I put down all the trays in the row, spread out my papers, lunch, water, mobile telephone, briefcase, pens, books and whatever else I can muster and look too busy and annoyed to move anything for anyone who dares ask me if the seats are free.
The coffee on sale on board is Fairtrade coffee but not for the right reasons. Mick says: ‘The fact that our tea and coffee supplier is a Fairtrade brand is a welcome bonus, but the decision was based on lowering costs. ’ I never purchase their tea on board on principle. 75 for a cup of tea. 78. Once they sell the first cup, Ruinair are making a profit. But I am thirsty. ’ I ask. ’ I always carefully read the description on the label of the bottle. A few years ago this airline’s highly profitable brand of bottled water did not come from a pure mountain stream or a rocky highland spring.